I'm taking advantage of a friend's computer to update people on how things are going.
My computer is definitely dead. My hope is to find someone who might know how to get things off it.
Callie has been sick. I took her in on the 15th. She has a uti and was taking antibiotics. On the 23rd, she started vomiting. I got her in on Friday with a different vet. He's not sure what's going on with her - might be a reaction or allergy to the antibiotics. She has a rash in one ear (getting better), in addition to vomiting. She's taking medication for vomiting, which seems to be working; she's on really limited food, though. Today she's back to blood in her urine, which is what got us to the vet in the first place. I'm not sure what will happen. Good thoughts and prayers are appreciated.
My boss is still on vacation, so work has been more tolerable. I'm still looking, but without a computer, that's been a bit hobbled. It's a little hard to do a job search from work. Additionally, all my resumes, etc are on my old computer (yes, I know you're supposed to back these things up, but sometimes that just doesn't happen).
I think I'm investing in some kind of padded suit; maybe it won't hurt as much when the universe keeps throwing things at me....
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Monday, September 7, 2009
An Open Letter to the Universe
Dear Universe,
Thank you for presenting me with this lesson again, and for all the similar lessons you've presented me with in the past. Thanks for the wisdom to recognize the patterns, and the hooks to my behavior. It only took 5 weeks this time, instead of 5 years, or 18 years, or whatever large block of time this could have taken from my life.
I've been struggling with what I thought were two things - whether to leave, or whether to stand up for myself. I see now that I need to do both. I refuse to work in an environment where bullying is running rampant. I accept that I need to stand up to this. I also accept that standing up to it will not stop it; the bully is in charge and has no desire/reason to change. I need to take care of myself, and speak the truth. I accept that I deserve to work in a place that better matches my values, beliefs, and working habits.
What this means is that I am actively seeking other employment, and that when I resign, I will not use euphimisms or make up excuses for why I'm leaving. I will write a letter that will go to the director, and also the Library Board, Friends of the Library, Union Representatives, and the county. I will not slink off into the sunset. To protect myself, I will have a job lined up before I resign.
So, dear universe, what I would like from you is a job in a library, one where cooperation, transparency, collegiality, and reasonableness reign supreme. I can see the exit sign now. Please help me find my new entrance.
Yours truly,
XXOOOO
Thank you for presenting me with this lesson again, and for all the similar lessons you've presented me with in the past. Thanks for the wisdom to recognize the patterns, and the hooks to my behavior. It only took 5 weeks this time, instead of 5 years, or 18 years, or whatever large block of time this could have taken from my life.
I've been struggling with what I thought were two things - whether to leave, or whether to stand up for myself. I see now that I need to do both. I refuse to work in an environment where bullying is running rampant. I accept that I need to stand up to this. I also accept that standing up to it will not stop it; the bully is in charge and has no desire/reason to change. I need to take care of myself, and speak the truth. I accept that I deserve to work in a place that better matches my values, beliefs, and working habits.
What this means is that I am actively seeking other employment, and that when I resign, I will not use euphimisms or make up excuses for why I'm leaving. I will write a letter that will go to the director, and also the Library Board, Friends of the Library, Union Representatives, and the county. I will not slink off into the sunset. To protect myself, I will have a job lined up before I resign.
So, dear universe, what I would like from you is a job in a library, one where cooperation, transparency, collegiality, and reasonableness reign supreme. I can see the exit sign now. Please help me find my new entrance.
Yours truly,
XXOOOO
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Sharp Points
It's been an interesting week. For those that believe that life keeps giving you the same lessons until you learn them, well.... apparently, I have not yet learned something to life's satisfaction.
I knew that this job would push me toward becoming more visible, would push me toward interacting with people in ways in which I'm less comfortable - public speaking, cold calling, etc. I hoped that the real structure of the place would be more lateral than hierarchical, since the image presented doesn't always match reality. I hoped for the best, but knew that I was taking this job because of the location, and because it was the first job I was offered. The rest, I hoped would work out. And maybe it has.
I find myself in a situation filled with drama. On the whole, things are dealt with in a reactionary manor. Ahhhhh COVERED IN BEES!! We react to it, we react to the next situation. There's not a sense of structure, of any kind of plan. We just react to things as they occur. Or in other words, the drama llama pretty much lives at the library, and I think he's brought his family with him.
Starting with leadership, there's not a clear vision. Decisions seem to be made in a knee-jerk manner, depending on mood, on the tides, on something not immediately apparent. There doesn't seem to be a consistent philosophy behind anything. Or not one I can find. The petty bickering and extreme office politics exhaust me, and the level of unprofessionalism astounds me.
The question I've been struggling with is - what am I supposed to learn from this situation?
Is it that this is crazy-making of epic proportions and I should recognize it for what it is and get out now? In the past I've stuck with these situations, trying to change them, trying to work with them, trying to somehow make the outcome different. Is my lesson simply that I recognize this and move toward the nearest exit?
Is it that I'm supposed to somehow stand up to the craziness, stand up for myself and let the chips fall where they may? I have regreted not doing this in the past. In this case, there's a pretty good chance that the outcome would mean losing the job. Others who've tried to push back in any way have found themselves as outcasts, but are protected by a union. As a non-union person still in a probationary period, I stand a good chance of becoming the scapegoat and being fired for all those who cannot be. Plus, the added bonus is that the current drama could be blamed, in part, on me, therefore saving face for the upper echelon. Is my lesson that standing up for myself is more important than a job?
So when is enough enough? How do you know when you should push back or get the hell out?
I don't know. All I know is that some days are like dragging myself over broken glass. And since the end result for both of these could be unemployment, should I be looking at it in a more strategic manner? Should I be looking at this as how to come out of this still employable?
And the big part of this is that because of my own decisions, I am not in a financial situation that gives me many options. Still, options exist. I'll know soon whether I have a second job as a contractor, something I can do at home with internet access. That will open up more choices.
In the meantime, I'm struggling with the questions, and trying to lean into the sharp points. Rereading Pema Chodron and Mary Oliver help. Anyone with any other words of wisdom, books to read, advice of any kind - feel free to share.
I knew that this job would push me toward becoming more visible, would push me toward interacting with people in ways in which I'm less comfortable - public speaking, cold calling, etc. I hoped that the real structure of the place would be more lateral than hierarchical, since the image presented doesn't always match reality. I hoped for the best, but knew that I was taking this job because of the location, and because it was the first job I was offered. The rest, I hoped would work out. And maybe it has.
I find myself in a situation filled with drama. On the whole, things are dealt with in a reactionary manor. Ahhhhh COVERED IN BEES!! We react to it, we react to the next situation. There's not a sense of structure, of any kind of plan. We just react to things as they occur. Or in other words, the drama llama pretty much lives at the library, and I think he's brought his family with him.
Starting with leadership, there's not a clear vision. Decisions seem to be made in a knee-jerk manner, depending on mood, on the tides, on something not immediately apparent. There doesn't seem to be a consistent philosophy behind anything. Or not one I can find. The petty bickering and extreme office politics exhaust me, and the level of unprofessionalism astounds me.
The question I've been struggling with is - what am I supposed to learn from this situation?
Is it that this is crazy-making of epic proportions and I should recognize it for what it is and get out now? In the past I've stuck with these situations, trying to change them, trying to work with them, trying to somehow make the outcome different. Is my lesson simply that I recognize this and move toward the nearest exit?
Is it that I'm supposed to somehow stand up to the craziness, stand up for myself and let the chips fall where they may? I have regreted not doing this in the past. In this case, there's a pretty good chance that the outcome would mean losing the job. Others who've tried to push back in any way have found themselves as outcasts, but are protected by a union. As a non-union person still in a probationary period, I stand a good chance of becoming the scapegoat and being fired for all those who cannot be. Plus, the added bonus is that the current drama could be blamed, in part, on me, therefore saving face for the upper echelon. Is my lesson that standing up for myself is more important than a job?
So when is enough enough? How do you know when you should push back or get the hell out?
I don't know. All I know is that some days are like dragging myself over broken glass. And since the end result for both of these could be unemployment, should I be looking at it in a more strategic manner? Should I be looking at this as how to come out of this still employable?
And the big part of this is that because of my own decisions, I am not in a financial situation that gives me many options. Still, options exist. I'll know soon whether I have a second job as a contractor, something I can do at home with internet access. That will open up more choices.
In the meantime, I'm struggling with the questions, and trying to lean into the sharp points. Rereading Pema Chodron and Mary Oliver help. Anyone with any other words of wisdom, books to read, advice of any kind - feel free to share.
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