Light, Darkness, Cats

"Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

"Everything has its wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content." - Helen Keller
You cannot look at a sleeping cat and feel tense. ~Jane Pauley
If there is one spot of sun spilling onto the floor, a cat will find it and soak it up. ~J.A. McIntosh
The reason cats climb is so that they can look down on almost every other animal - it's also the reason they hate birds. ~K.C. Buffington

Woo Hoo!

Okay, and it's only 11:53pm. Nothing like the last minute. I was starting to think I was going to get really close and miss it by only a few hundred words, but it's 50,130 according to the official calculator. Of course, many of those are redundant and crap. And I basically have three beginnings since I had no plan coming in, and started figuring it out as I went.

THAT'S WHAT DECEMBER IS FOR! And NaNoFiMo - National Novel Finishing Month. You add another 30,000 words and finish what you have going from November. Which I guess would leave January for the editing process?

All I can say is that it's a good thing I have tomorrow off. Time to catch up on sleep!!

I-Ching Reading - Splitting Apart

All is not what it seems. Sometimes, reality is like a hall of mirrors. Intrigues multiply like summer flies, and there are signs of discontent all around. This is a time of illusion and disillusion, disintegration, distrust and deception.

When you find yourself trapped in a hall of mirrors, sometimes it is necessary to retrace your steps. Return to the familiar; take solace in what is firm and secure. There is no blame in holding back on progress now; indeed, it is your responsibility to keep your strength intact for the period of resurrection, which follows disintegration as surely as dawn follows the night.

Discretion is the better part of valor. Good timing is especially important. Learn to focus on the essence of the problem and choose the proper moments for action, thereby avoiding futile effort. Be particularly attentive at such a time as this for changes that signal it's time to retreat.

And what is it to work with love?

It is to weave the cloth with threads drawn from your own heart, even as if your beloved were to wear that cloth. It is to build a house with affection, even as if your beloved were to dwell in that house. It is to sow the seeds with tenderness and reap the harvest with joy, even as if your beloved were to eat the fruit. It is to charge all things you fashion with a breath of your own spirit. And to know that all the blessed dead are standing about you watching.

Work is love made visible. And if you cannot work with love but only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit at the gate of the temple and take alms of those who work with joy. For if you bake bread with indifference, you bake a bitter loaf that feeds but half a man's hunger.

-Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet: 26 poetic essays

Moving forward

Sat. November 14^th Horoscope: You can make a very practical decision today that has profound consequences, yet others might not see the logic to your choice. It may seem as if you are being impulsive now, but you have been seriously thinking about your situation for a while, unable to tip the scales one way or the other. Don't worry if your uncertainty returns, for this is all part of an ongoing process.

I really hate it when horoscopes match up to life exactly. It seems like an argument for determinism over free choice. And I suppose this one wasn't exact, since I was only considering a decision seriously at that point, and hadn't made it yet.

Most of you have heard my whining/complaining/horror stories about my current job. I'm not getting into specifics, but suffice it to say that the job has been a very bad fit for me. Some of you have pointed out, and I will agree, that my complaints have echoes of past positions. I think the whole thing pretty significantly mirrors many situations in my past. It's a pattern that I've found myself in over and over again. One component of the pattern is that I was raised to accept abuse, and that I have done that with job situations, too.

I have been in job situations where I was taken advantage of in many ways, and I was too afraid to stick up for myself. That is my pattern. And I am not ready to do that anymore. Add to that an atmosphere that is much more disorganized and demoralized than anything I have ever experienced (and I have experienced some pretty petty and dysfunctional environments) and I think you can see where this is going. It's a soul killing experience to work in an environment that is this toxic.

My situation exists because of choices I made from fear and from scarcity. I decided on library science because it seemed like a safe and stable career choice, not because it was my passion. I had begun to realize this toward the end of my degree, but by then, it seemed too late, and I was afraid to admit that I'd made a mistake. Still, I don't regret the time in Indiana. And I don't regret trying this job. Both experiences have really clarified what I've know since I was very young - my passion lies with words, with writing and books. I want to teach classes in children's literature, in literature, in writing. I want to write novels. I want to be in an academic atmosphere. Through my library science degree and my job, I've found that I like teaching, and I have moved past a lot of my nervousness at getting up in front of people. I like teaching at a higher level of competency - to students who already have some knowledge and background. I want to teach at the college level. I want to do research and write scholarly articles. I want a life where I'm happy to wake up in the morning and make a contribution to the world, where I add something good that only I can add, where I use the skills and talents that I have been given.

I'm tired of doing something I can do, but that someone else could do better and with more passion. I'm tired of defaulting to survival mode. I'm tired of listening to the critical, self-hating voices that still live in my head. I'm tired of working for a bully, in an environment where stress is running rampant. I'm tired of living with the uncertainty from day to day of trying to guess what might keep the director happy. This was my life growing up - keeping my stepfather happy, keeping him from blowing up. I think I deserve more. And I know I can contribute more to the world than what I am right now. And I can see that making choices from fear put me right back in a place and situation that are based on fear. My whole life, I have danced around what I wanted, because I was afraid to claim that fulfillment for my own. I have gotten degrees that came close, taken jobs that were on the edge of what I wanted, taken small steps in the right direction, and then turned away because of fear, because the voices of fear and self-hatred were stronger. I have lived my life with the core belief that I am not enough. That's shifted over time, slowly, oh so slowly, so that I am ready to try to believe that I am who and what I am, for better or worse, and that I deserve as much as anyone else.

My decision now is to make choices from love, starting with choosing to do what I love so I can add more love to the world. I have felt closed down, oppressed, squashed, fearful, under siege with my choices in my current job. I'm going to move in a direction that lets me feel the opposite, in hopes that those feelings will lead me down the right path, until I can see clearly where it is that I need to go. Meanwhile, I am applying for teaching positions at community colleges and small colleges. I am writing again, albeit slowly and limpingly. And I am going to talk to the director about the situation, even though I'm not sure where that conversation will take me. At the very least, this time, in a situation that echoes so many others from my past, I will have done SOMETHING, and no matter the outcome, just that step will be enough.

Death of an air mattress, NaNoWriMo, and other odds and ends

Sadly, I have to report that the air mattress functioning as my bed has joined my laptop in some sort of cosmic strike. Both have ceased to exist; they are no more. I woke up this morning partially on the floor and surrounded by some pathetic sort of airy parts of the mattress (basically I was surrounded by a partially inflated mattress).

Fortunately, Irene (who has loaned me all other furniture in my apartment) has a camping pad and a feather bed, so.... until I can get some sort of bed replacement, I will truly be camping in the apartment.

Since today is the start of National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), and since I will be cranking out a 50,000 word novel in 30 days, I won't have a lot of time to care about where I'm sleeping, when I am actually sleeping and not writing. It will be interesting to do this without a computer of my own. I have been lucky enough to borrow one here and there, so that helps. I may be using the public access computers at the public library, and elsewhere throughout town.

At least I've been lucky enough to be reminded of what's really important in life. Stuff is just stuff. Granted, some stuff makes life much easier and more comfortable (like a bed!), but it's good to know that I can exist without it, if I have to, I guess.

So, the novel I'm working on is set in a small, conservative mining town in Montana, in a library. The main character is a liberal librarian new to the profession. Gee, gosh, any resemblance to any one living or dead is purely a coincidence. I do want the t-shirt Sara once found for me, though. "Careful, or you'll end up in my novel." Not that it would really happen...... or would it? I guess we'll all find out 50,000 words and 29 days from now. Perhaps writers do have the best form of revenge.

In other news, since life is short, and looking even shorter at 50, I have officially decided to apply to PhD programs for fall. I have contacted a Montana university about teaching children's literature online as an part-time, adjunct faculty member. I haven't heard back, but wish me luck. I'll keep you all posted.

Still Borrowing Computers

Pictures of things that have happened since the last computer borrowing....
Library survivor - one of two activities we did during days school was out for teacher inservice. Here, they have to drop origami birds down the stairwell and catch them.
Here, the activity is to create a help sign - in Spanish. The hats and first aid stuff are from earlier activities.
Tallying up the points at the end - they got "fish" to spend for treats
Still life from library survivor - origami birds, the best woven basket, and the best raft
Callie in her usual state - sleeping
The pirate birthday cake Irene made for me
Close up of piratey cake
Me with plastic sword and cake (original plan was to cut it with the sword, but since I was sick, Irene was down at the desk, and the other people were horrified by the idea, this did not occur)
Argh, ye scurvey dog. Hand over the booty!

Snow Pictures

Pictures from the first snow (since I don't have photoediting software, excuse the funkiness - I tried resizing these but it did not work well). Today it's a high of 38 degrees, and some flurries. I'm not sure I'm ready, and my apartment needs some serious weatherproofing before it's anywhere near ready.

On the bright side, Callie is doing much better, which means I can get back on track financially. I'm borrowing a laptop for the afternoon/evening. I really miss mine; hopefully something will work out as a replacement...

Still here

I'm taking advantage of a friend's computer to update people on how things are going.

My computer is definitely dead. My hope is to find someone who might know how to get things off it.

Callie has been sick. I took her in on the 15th. She has a uti and was taking antibiotics. On the 23rd, she started vomiting. I got her in on Friday with a different vet. He's not sure what's going on with her - might be a reaction or allergy to the antibiotics. She has a rash in one ear (getting better), in addition to vomiting. She's taking medication for vomiting, which seems to be working; she's on really limited food, though. Today she's back to blood in her urine, which is what got us to the vet in the first place. I'm not sure what will happen. Good thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

My boss is still on vacation, so work has been more tolerable. I'm still looking, but without a computer, that's been a bit hobbled. It's a little hard to do a job search from work. Additionally, all my resumes, etc are on my old computer (yes, I know you're supposed to back these things up, but sometimes that just doesn't happen).

I think I'm investing in some kind of padded suit; maybe it won't hurt as much when the universe keeps throwing things at me....

An Open Letter to the Universe

Dear Universe,

Thank you for presenting me with this lesson again, and for all the similar lessons you've presented me with in the past. Thanks for the wisdom to recognize the patterns, and the hooks to my behavior. It only took 5 weeks this time, instead of 5 years, or 18 years, or whatever large block of time this could have taken from my life.

I've been struggling with what I thought were two things - whether to leave, or whether to stand up for myself. I see now that I need to do both. I refuse to work in an environment where bullying is running rampant. I accept that I need to stand up to this. I also accept that standing up to it will not stop it; the bully is in charge and has no desire/reason to change. I need to take care of myself, and speak the truth. I accept that I deserve to work in a place that better matches my values, beliefs, and working habits.

What this means is that I am actively seeking other employment, and that when I resign, I will not use euphimisms or make up excuses for why I'm leaving. I will write a letter that will go to the director, and also the Library Board, Friends of the Library, Union Representatives, and the county. I will not slink off into the sunset. To protect myself, I will have a job lined up before I resign.

So, dear universe, what I would like from you is a job in a library, one where cooperation, transparency, collegiality, and reasonableness reign supreme. I can see the exit sign now. Please help me find my new entrance.

Yours truly,
XXOOOO

Sharp Points

It's been an interesting week. For those that believe that life keeps giving you the same lessons until you learn them, well.... apparently, I have not yet learned something to life's satisfaction.

I knew that this job would push me toward becoming more visible, would push me toward interacting with people in ways in which I'm less comfortable - public speaking, cold calling, etc. I hoped that the real structure of the place would be more lateral than hierarchical, since the image presented doesn't always match reality. I hoped for the best, but knew that I was taking this job because of the location, and because it was the first job I was offered. The rest, I hoped would work out. And maybe it has.

I find myself in a situation filled with drama. On the whole, things are dealt with in a reactionary manor. Ahhhhh COVERED IN BEES!! We react to it, we react to the next situation. There's not a sense of structure, of any kind of plan. We just react to things as they occur. Or in other words, the drama llama pretty much lives at the library, and I think he's brought his family with him.

Starting with leadership, there's not a clear vision. Decisions seem to be made in a knee-jerk manner, depending on mood, on the tides, on something not immediately apparent. There doesn't seem to be a consistent philosophy behind anything. Or not one I can find. The petty bickering and extreme office politics exhaust me, and the level of unprofessionalism astounds me.

The question I've been struggling with is - what am I supposed to learn from this situation?

Is it that this is crazy-making of epic proportions and I should recognize it for what it is and get out now? In the past I've stuck with these situations, trying to change them, trying to work with them, trying to somehow make the outcome different. Is my lesson simply that I recognize this and move toward the nearest exit?

Is it that I'm supposed to somehow stand up to the craziness, stand up for myself and let the chips fall where they may? I have regreted not doing this in the past. In this case, there's a pretty good chance that the outcome would mean losing the job. Others who've tried to push back in any way have found themselves as outcasts, but are protected by a union. As a non-union person still in a probationary period, I stand a good chance of becoming the scapegoat and being fired for all those who cannot be. Plus, the added bonus is that the current drama could be blamed, in part, on me, therefore saving face for the upper echelon. Is my lesson that standing up for myself is more important than a job?

So when is enough enough? How do you know when you should push back or get the hell out?

I don't know. All I know is that some days are like dragging myself over broken glass. And since the end result for both of these could be unemployment, should I be looking at it in a more strategic manner? Should I be looking at this as how to come out of this still employable?

And the big part of this is that because of my own decisions, I am not in a financial situation that gives me many options. Still, options exist. I'll know soon whether I have a second job as a contractor, something I can do at home with internet access. That will open up more choices.

In the meantime, I'm struggling with the questions, and trying to lean into the sharp points. Rereading Pema Chodron and Mary Oliver help. Anyone with any other words of wisdom, books to read, advice of any kind - feel free to share.

More Stuff

Week 4 continues

• Meeting with boss about programming turned into meeting with boss about school official visit that afternoon
• created flyer for visit
• printed PSA, calendar, etc for visit
• put together database demo for visit
• set up equipment for visit
• prepped pages for demo
• visit pushed back an hour
• watched boss persuade official that cooperation between schools and library=good
• set up another meeting with boss to talk about programming
• worked ref desk all day, due to extreme business and scheduling changes
• rescheduled meeting with boss
• met with boss to propose ideas
• most ideas shot down and replaced
• pondered why people don't just tell you what they want and not make you play - No, that's not it, this is what I was thinking
• discussed various promos and what I needed to do to create marketing materials
• began to wonder if I should have gotten an MBA instead
• back to desk to finish out rest of morning
• blah, blah, blah - rinse well and repeat

Stuff

Week 4 (so far)

• worked on rough draft of programming schedule for meeting with boss Tues at 9
• talked with intern who is supposed to be working 20 hrs per week with me this week & next (?)
• got phone call from boss about meeting with superintendent of schools Tues at 2, for which I need to have super wonderful, knock her socks off programming schedule completely finished (after meeting with boss at 9am when changes in schedule will be sure to occur)
• read email from teen librarian in another community about programming frequency - first 6 months for this person consisted of advisory group, a book club, and one pre-planned event - advised to "take it slow"
• banged head on desk
• went home, worked on shiny sparkly calendar, ate cookie dough (unbaked), pet cat, wished for wine and this weekend (which will be spent in MSLA!)

Is it really only Monday? Wish me luck!

Light and shadows, with cat

Wild Geese

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

from Dream Work by Mary Oliver

The simplest questions are the most profound

Philosophical pondering on a cold and rainy Sunday (or is it too early to have a stomach ache thinking about the upcoming week?)

The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once in a while and watch your answers change.

---Richard Bach

I read this quote recently, and have been pondering it, as I've been pondering my life. This is what I think here and now. As with the rest of life, it's subject to change.

Where were you born?
Biologically, I was born in Council Bluffs, IA, but I’ve had points in my life where the changes were so great or where the ah ha moments were so astounding that I felt as if I had shed my skin and been born to something else. Oddly enough, many of these have involved travel. The first was when I went to Ecuador for a summer foreign exchange between my junior and senior year of high school. My family life growing up was fairly dysfunctional; I knew this intellectually, but staying with another large family helped me feel the dysfunction emotionally. This, in turn, led me to a very circuitous path of therapy in my adult life which saved my life.

The second time I felt that shift in gravity, in the way the world worked, and in the way I functioned in it was when I spent a year in Wales during college. This was really the first time I found other people who treasured what I did, or at least understood, accepted, and valued intellectual interests. I had written poetry in my head for a long time, and while some of it was written down, much of it was not. In Wales, it was okay to be with people, think of something, stop, ponder it, and then write something down. I didn’t get the – “what are you doing?” “come on, why are you so slow?” “what are you writing?” It was okay to do this. I didn’t have to share unless I wanted to, and it was accepted as part of who I was. This, and other situations, helped me see that I was holding my breath, taking up as little space as possible, trying not to be seen and hurt. I was invisible, and this is the first time I bumped into that realization, and started realizing that it was okay to exist as myself.

The last time I was born again to the world was in the process of some very deep therapy. I started to learn that my pain would not destroy me, and that being visible would not result in my death or destruction. Many, many dark corners were opened and aired out, and my life shifted. Even though I still struggle with my past, it is not as weighty or all-consuming.

Where is your home?
I was surprised at the amount of sadness this question brought up. I don’t know that I have a home at the moment. I haven’t felt that I have had one for several years. Missoula was home, but I left in late fall 2006, and have felt displaced ever since. I’ve known that nothing since then has been permanent, so nothing has felt settled. I am a plant with its roots dangling in air. For some people, this might work. For me, I put things off until I’m settled and so I end up living in the future, thinking more about someday than here and now. I have wasted months and years of my life this way. Now that 50 is right around the corner, I’m not comfortable with wasting time that now seems more finite and not as boundless as when I was in my 20s.

Where are you going?
Again, I am adrift. I’m not sure where I’m going. Until graduation, I was going to finish school and find a job as a librarian. Now that I have a job, I’m not sure. Being a librarian is another thing I can do, that I could be good at if I wanted. But it’s not what my heart wants. And I don’t know what to do with that realization. Should I just settle for this as a job, and if that’s the case, do I want to settle for a job in a location that fits me better? Or is this particular job just not a good match, and how much time do I give it? I’m not sure that I trust myself enough to do what my heart wants, either.

What are you doing?
I feel like I am avoiding my life, like I’m trying to dance sideways around what would nourish me, what would be real, what I could do to truly contribute to the world. My problem is that I’m a writer who doesn’t write, who is always looking for something compatible with writing, something I could do AND write. I avoid writing by dancing around it. I’m not sure why. When I do write, I feel at home in my life, in my soul. Is not writing just another way to be invisible, to let the darkness win? I don’t know. I would guess yes.

I feel like I’ve lost some ground, some of the openness I gained through therapy. I still carry this body tension, this boundary wall with me at all times. I’ve hoped that it would soften over time, but for that to happen, I would have to trust the world. I don’t trust the world completely. I have a great deal of hope, but in the back of my mind, there is still some amount of fear of destruction, of annihilation, that I can’t release. Being able to be visible is something I accept intellectually. I struggle with accepting it emotionally. Until I can do this, my life will be a partial shadow of what it could be. I have learned not to beat myself up for this limitation, at least. I know it’s common in people who were abused, especially at a young age. I’ve made a very uneasy peace with the knowledge that this fear still lives inside me. Maybe someday I will make my peace with this fear, too. I don’t know that, either.

That which does not kill us makes us stronger, or ....we can always watch Eddie Izzard

New Job Updates

I've completed my first day as an official librarian. I like the library and the people I've met. I'd forgotten how mentally and physically exhausting the first day can be. It's 7:30pm and I'm pretty much ready for bed right now.

Today - met with the director, met with the children's librarian, met with the reference staff, and with one of the people who worked on young adult programing, filled out paperwork, collected a pile at least 12 inches high to be read soon, found out I will be attending a conference in Great Falls in Sept. as a presenter, was presented with a set of 6 keys to various doors in the library.

Tomorrow - meet with the systems librarian, choose the area I want to set up my work space in, move furniture, get set up with email, read some of the piles of stuff, and other things I don't know yet.

Wed. - I can only guess. Meet Adriana, Halen, and Gary at my apartment after work for a tour, and then a ride to Missoula.

Thurs. - Attend Pacific Northwest Library Conference in Missoula. Sneak away to meet Denise and Heather at 7pm.

Friday - Attend Pacific Northwest Library Conference in Missoula.

Saturday - Irish festival in Butte.

Sunday - rest and recuperate.

New apartment

Mom, Jim, Callie and I got to Butte on Friday. Mom and Jim left Monday for the trip home through Yellowstone and Wyoming. Callie and I have been hanging out. I'm having issues getting internet started, so I'll only be intermittently available.

These are pictures of the new apartment. Most of my stuff is still in IN and will be for awhile, so it's a little sparse. I'm thinking I could open a yoga studio in the living room, though.... The new job starts next Monday. Hopefully the internet issues will be resolved and I will be able to keep everyone updated on a more regular basis.

Exterior shot

Mom and Jim hanging out
living room

living room

living room

Callie claims the chair

dining room, office, guest room

bedroom (complete with air mattress bed)

bedroom

bedroom

kitchen

kitchen

kitchen

bathroom

bathroom (with thrift store stool)

bathroom

bathroom