Only 9 working days until freedom....

and I'm still so busy that it really doesn't seem real. I have been waiting for so long to be free, and I have the feeling that the actual last day of work will be anti-climactic. I know that it will be like any other day, and that no one there will do a damn thing to mark the fact that I've been working there for 2 years and now will be done. I know this because they did very little (if anything) when another longer term employee left. That's the way the (non-existent) team spirit goes.

There will be things I miss, like my actual work duties, and all my pretty old books, and dealing with the people at the state library and historical society, and even CONTENTdm. I will not miss being in a work environment which is a staggeringly poor fit. That makes me even MORE determined NOT to do this ever again - not to take a job where the fit is bad. In this case, I did get to discover where in the library universe I want to be, and I did get experience that I will be able to use elsewhere. Still, I wonder if the tradeoff, experience for self-esteem, was totally worth it. I feel like I'm barely holding the shreds of my self-esteem together.

Having a very low pressure job, where people actually appreciate me, and where I'll be able to work in more of a team atmosphere will help me as I knit myself back together. So far, I'm really liking the people at the temp gig, and once the research is done and we are able to start doing more writing, I'll enjoy the job even more. Big bonuses are that the hours are flexible, I can wear what I want, there's an office dog, and I can work from home most of the time. Plus, I just found out that if I want to, I can extend my time with them past mid-August into December-January. It's nice to know, that I have a backup backup plan. (and that someone actually wants me, and would offer me more money to stay - which helps build the self-esteem back toward the plus side of things)

Minuses are that stress is still wreaking havoc. I ended up on antibiotics for yet another sinus infection. My eating is really out of control; I've tried sitting with myself, listening to the fears and pain and total loneliness that I feel, but it's so overwhelming that I bury those feelings in food. Because work triggers all the unsafe, self-hating feelings, I've made my peace with the fact that things will be out of control for another couple weeks. Once that huge stress is gone, I can sit with all the feelings that these past two years have brought up, and painfully process through them all. I just can't do that now, knowing that I still have to go back into that place. It's not safe emotionally, because these feelings tap into bigger and blacker places. I can't open myself up in the way I need while still working in crazyland. So, the future should be very interesting.

Old and New

This week we've had snow, rain, sunshine, hail, wind... not necessarily in that order.
The garden, with a light snow cover that melted off by the end of the day... Snow is definitely getting old. I don't think we've had a week yet where there hasn't been some kind of snow, even if it's just flurries that didn't stick.
But spring is trying to arrive. The climbing vine is budding.
When it's not covered with snow, the garden is growing, a little, maybe (at least it's not dying).
The geraniums are budding.
There's a mix of old and new - plants breaking into bud and old structures crumbling. Old and new. Living and dying. All inextricably knit together into the pattern of the world.

Old walls....
new green....
My neighbor's scaffolding, as they work on repairing the old.
The lemon thyme I planted growing through snow, hail, gropple, and rain, just waiting for the sunshine.
It's all good.

Garden Reclamation Project

So, in my copious spare time (hmmm, work 40 hours, work 10 hours, volunteer 2-5 hours, job search time.... :-), I have taken on the project of reclaiming the area at the side of the house for a lovely little garden and sitting area.

This is the area before anything has been done. The orange in the background is temporary fencing to keep people from plunging over the edge and down into the someday to become parking area below. Fixing this is on the list for later this summer.
This is the same area after all the spare lumber, etc. has been hauled off, the weeds dug out, the bed raked out, the whole area swept. Better, no?
The area near the stairs - an old gate is propped against the stairs to block the view of underneath. Instead of hauling the old toilet off to the dump, it will become a planter.
Garden bed with plants and the addition of decorative rocks (hey, they are everywhere, so you might as well use them!).
You can see the area where the chair is, with the addition of toilet planter and a few other planters. The upper area gets more sun for longer, so pots of geraniums, the garlic chives and a nasturtium have made their homes there.
Stripy sun slats - with more rocks and some transplanted moss (we'll see how that grows)
Toilet planter and other planters (and more rocks)
The old gate - I love the weathered boards, and the rusty hardware
The view across the street, through the fences, with gorgeous blue sky for the first time in so, so long

I'll be posting more pictures as things start to grow (hopefully). I think with the addition of something for a small table, it will be a nice place to relax for me and Callie. I'm thinking a little hibatchi and some folding canvas chairs, and we could entertain small (!) groups of people.