Plan Q, Phase I

Oh, poor, poor neglected blog. That's what happens when you get stuck in a rut. The past few years have been mainly a matter of endurance, which typically involves a great deal of "stuckness." Things are beginning to shift, though....

One of the reasons I went to library school was to find a job I enjoyed, that would also allow me financial breathing space, and the ability to afford the things I loved to do. Four years after moving for my first professional library job, I'm in a place where I may be able to realize these goals.

I'm working full-time (since April) as an academic reference librarian. While the job has its downsides (working weekends and evenings), it has its pluses as well. The university I work for is online, which means my work environment is online. Translated, as long as I have electricity and an internet connection, I can work anywhere.

One of my loves is travel, but I've not been in a position to afford much travel for some time now. Happily, my job situation opens up the possibility of traveling while I work.

So I've decided to take a chance, make a change, and launch myself out into the wide world.

I'm leaving Butte in September. I'll be spending a couple months in Missoula, and then another couple months celebrating the holidays with family in Iowa. I'm calling this 4 month period Phase I of the larger Plan Q.

What is the rest of Plan Q? Well, it will test the portability factor of my job (while hopefully not making Callie too cranky). I'm still researching and developing Phase II, but it most definitely involves travel, and doing some of the things I've had on my list for a very, very long time.

Stay tuned for the further adventures of the traveling librarian and her grouchy cat!

Moving forward

Sat. November 14^th Horoscope: You can make a very practical decision today that has profound consequences, yet others might not see the logic to your choice. It may seem as if you are being impulsive now, but you have been seriously thinking about your situation for a while, unable to tip the scales one way or the other. Don't worry if your uncertainty returns, for this is all part of an ongoing process.

I really hate it when horoscopes match up to life exactly. It seems like an argument for determinism over free choice. And I suppose this one wasn't exact, since I was only considering a decision seriously at that point, and hadn't made it yet.

Most of you have heard my whining/complaining/horror stories about my current job. I'm not getting into specifics, but suffice it to say that the job has been a very bad fit for me. Some of you have pointed out, and I will agree, that my complaints have echoes of past positions. I think the whole thing pretty significantly mirrors many situations in my past. It's a pattern that I've found myself in over and over again. One component of the pattern is that I was raised to accept abuse, and that I have done that with job situations, too.

I have been in job situations where I was taken advantage of in many ways, and I was too afraid to stick up for myself. That is my pattern. And I am not ready to do that anymore. Add to that an atmosphere that is much more disorganized and demoralized than anything I have ever experienced (and I have experienced some pretty petty and dysfunctional environments) and I think you can see where this is going. It's a soul killing experience to work in an environment that is this toxic.

My situation exists because of choices I made from fear and from scarcity. I decided on library science because it seemed like a safe and stable career choice, not because it was my passion. I had begun to realize this toward the end of my degree, but by then, it seemed too late, and I was afraid to admit that I'd made a mistake. Still, I don't regret the time in Indiana. And I don't regret trying this job. Both experiences have really clarified what I've know since I was very young - my passion lies with words, with writing and books. I want to teach classes in children's literature, in literature, in writing. I want to write novels. I want to be in an academic atmosphere. Through my library science degree and my job, I've found that I like teaching, and I have moved past a lot of my nervousness at getting up in front of people. I like teaching at a higher level of competency - to students who already have some knowledge and background. I want to teach at the college level. I want to do research and write scholarly articles. I want a life where I'm happy to wake up in the morning and make a contribution to the world, where I add something good that only I can add, where I use the skills and talents that I have been given.

I'm tired of doing something I can do, but that someone else could do better and with more passion. I'm tired of defaulting to survival mode. I'm tired of listening to the critical, self-hating voices that still live in my head. I'm tired of working for a bully, in an environment where stress is running rampant. I'm tired of living with the uncertainty from day to day of trying to guess what might keep the director happy. This was my life growing up - keeping my stepfather happy, keeping him from blowing up. I think I deserve more. And I know I can contribute more to the world than what I am right now. And I can see that making choices from fear put me right back in a place and situation that are based on fear. My whole life, I have danced around what I wanted, because I was afraid to claim that fulfillment for my own. I have gotten degrees that came close, taken jobs that were on the edge of what I wanted, taken small steps in the right direction, and then turned away because of fear, because the voices of fear and self-hatred were stronger. I have lived my life with the core belief that I am not enough. That's shifted over time, slowly, oh so slowly, so that I am ready to try to believe that I am who and what I am, for better or worse, and that I deserve as much as anyone else.

My decision now is to make choices from love, starting with choosing to do what I love so I can add more love to the world. I have felt closed down, oppressed, squashed, fearful, under siege with my choices in my current job. I'm going to move in a direction that lets me feel the opposite, in hopes that those feelings will lead me down the right path, until I can see clearly where it is that I need to go. Meanwhile, I am applying for teaching positions at community colleges and small colleges. I am writing again, albeit slowly and limpingly. And I am going to talk to the director about the situation, even though I'm not sure where that conversation will take me. At the very least, this time, in a situation that echoes so many others from my past, I will have done SOMETHING, and no matter the outcome, just that step will be enough.

Death of an air mattress, NaNoWriMo, and other odds and ends

Sadly, I have to report that the air mattress functioning as my bed has joined my laptop in some sort of cosmic strike. Both have ceased to exist; they are no more. I woke up this morning partially on the floor and surrounded by some pathetic sort of airy parts of the mattress (basically I was surrounded by a partially inflated mattress).

Fortunately, Irene (who has loaned me all other furniture in my apartment) has a camping pad and a feather bed, so.... until I can get some sort of bed replacement, I will truly be camping in the apartment.

Since today is the start of National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo), and since I will be cranking out a 50,000 word novel in 30 days, I won't have a lot of time to care about where I'm sleeping, when I am actually sleeping and not writing. It will be interesting to do this without a computer of my own. I have been lucky enough to borrow one here and there, so that helps. I may be using the public access computers at the public library, and elsewhere throughout town.

At least I've been lucky enough to be reminded of what's really important in life. Stuff is just stuff. Granted, some stuff makes life much easier and more comfortable (like a bed!), but it's good to know that I can exist without it, if I have to, I guess.

So, the novel I'm working on is set in a small, conservative mining town in Montana, in a library. The main character is a liberal librarian new to the profession. Gee, gosh, any resemblance to any one living or dead is purely a coincidence. I do want the t-shirt Sara once found for me, though. "Careful, or you'll end up in my novel." Not that it would really happen...... or would it? I guess we'll all find out 50,000 words and 29 days from now. Perhaps writers do have the best form of revenge.

In other news, since life is short, and looking even shorter at 50, I have officially decided to apply to PhD programs for fall. I have contacted a Montana university about teaching children's literature online as an part-time, adjunct faculty member. I haven't heard back, but wish me luck. I'll keep you all posted.

The simplest questions are the most profound

Philosophical pondering on a cold and rainy Sunday (or is it too early to have a stomach ache thinking about the upcoming week?)

The simplest questions are the most profound. Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What are you doing? Think about these once in a while and watch your answers change.

---Richard Bach

I read this quote recently, and have been pondering it, as I've been pondering my life. This is what I think here and now. As with the rest of life, it's subject to change.

Where were you born?
Biologically, I was born in Council Bluffs, IA, but I’ve had points in my life where the changes were so great or where the ah ha moments were so astounding that I felt as if I had shed my skin and been born to something else. Oddly enough, many of these have involved travel. The first was when I went to Ecuador for a summer foreign exchange between my junior and senior year of high school. My family life growing up was fairly dysfunctional; I knew this intellectually, but staying with another large family helped me feel the dysfunction emotionally. This, in turn, led me to a very circuitous path of therapy in my adult life which saved my life.

The second time I felt that shift in gravity, in the way the world worked, and in the way I functioned in it was when I spent a year in Wales during college. This was really the first time I found other people who treasured what I did, or at least understood, accepted, and valued intellectual interests. I had written poetry in my head for a long time, and while some of it was written down, much of it was not. In Wales, it was okay to be with people, think of something, stop, ponder it, and then write something down. I didn’t get the – “what are you doing?” “come on, why are you so slow?” “what are you writing?” It was okay to do this. I didn’t have to share unless I wanted to, and it was accepted as part of who I was. This, and other situations, helped me see that I was holding my breath, taking up as little space as possible, trying not to be seen and hurt. I was invisible, and this is the first time I bumped into that realization, and started realizing that it was okay to exist as myself.

The last time I was born again to the world was in the process of some very deep therapy. I started to learn that my pain would not destroy me, and that being visible would not result in my death or destruction. Many, many dark corners were opened and aired out, and my life shifted. Even though I still struggle with my past, it is not as weighty or all-consuming.

Where is your home?
I was surprised at the amount of sadness this question brought up. I don’t know that I have a home at the moment. I haven’t felt that I have had one for several years. Missoula was home, but I left in late fall 2006, and have felt displaced ever since. I’ve known that nothing since then has been permanent, so nothing has felt settled. I am a plant with its roots dangling in air. For some people, this might work. For me, I put things off until I’m settled and so I end up living in the future, thinking more about someday than here and now. I have wasted months and years of my life this way. Now that 50 is right around the corner, I’m not comfortable with wasting time that now seems more finite and not as boundless as when I was in my 20s.

Where are you going?
Again, I am adrift. I’m not sure where I’m going. Until graduation, I was going to finish school and find a job as a librarian. Now that I have a job, I’m not sure. Being a librarian is another thing I can do, that I could be good at if I wanted. But it’s not what my heart wants. And I don’t know what to do with that realization. Should I just settle for this as a job, and if that’s the case, do I want to settle for a job in a location that fits me better? Or is this particular job just not a good match, and how much time do I give it? I’m not sure that I trust myself enough to do what my heart wants, either.

What are you doing?
I feel like I am avoiding my life, like I’m trying to dance sideways around what would nourish me, what would be real, what I could do to truly contribute to the world. My problem is that I’m a writer who doesn’t write, who is always looking for something compatible with writing, something I could do AND write. I avoid writing by dancing around it. I’m not sure why. When I do write, I feel at home in my life, in my soul. Is not writing just another way to be invisible, to let the darkness win? I don’t know. I would guess yes.

I feel like I’ve lost some ground, some of the openness I gained through therapy. I still carry this body tension, this boundary wall with me at all times. I’ve hoped that it would soften over time, but for that to happen, I would have to trust the world. I don’t trust the world completely. I have a great deal of hope, but in the back of my mind, there is still some amount of fear of destruction, of annihilation, that I can’t release. Being able to be visible is something I accept intellectually. I struggle with accepting it emotionally. Until I can do this, my life will be a partial shadow of what it could be. I have learned not to beat myself up for this limitation, at least. I know it’s common in people who were abused, especially at a young age. I’ve made a very uneasy peace with the knowledge that this fear still lives inside me. Maybe someday I will make my peace with this fear, too. I don’t know that, either.

Decisions

Okay, those of you who have talked to me lately have seen me at my crazy and indecisive best, even for a Libra. Depending on the day you talked to me, I might have been postponing graduation for a semester, possibly applying to PhD programs and any other sort of postponement of life after SLIS.

The whole job search thing is such a roller coaster ride. Woo hoo, we're up! Oh, now we're down. They called, they haven't called. I was an idiot during my interview. I wasn't that bad. Repeat. (and repeat, and repeat again.)

I don't like the not knowing that comes with change. It was feeling safer to stay for another semester, just to know what was happening in the future. I think life has a way of figuring out when you're avoiding, though. I had two things happen this weekend that have helped push me away from my indecisiveness.

One, I had an email from Alaska, and I'm still a candidate (their term - "one of the finalists"). I have another phone interview to look forward to surviving. What I want to know is if I get a sash for being a finalist (I've been practicing my wave).

Two, I have someone to take over the lease of my apartment. This means I will need to go somewhere at the end of December, so I can't keep doing this wishy washy, I want it all kind of thing. I want to be in school and out of school. I want to stay here and I want to leave. I want to move and not move. Straddling all those fences was making me cranky, if nothing else.

It's kind of funny. I was just talking about this on Saturday at work. I left thinking, I really can't keep trying to stand in all the squares at the same time. It's one thing to stay with the feeling of being uncomfortable while you consider options. It's another to know what you need to do, but let fear make you crazy. Deciding to decide, deciding to do what I needed to do even though I was afraid, opened things up that had seemed stuck. Weird that that's when I suddenly got emails.... hmm, some of you would say that it's not a coincidence.

So, apparently, I will be graduating in December, according to plan. I may or may not be employed. Believe me, I will keep everyone posted on how the job search goes. And if you find me sleeping on your porch in January, well, just look at it as having your own live-in librarian.... In the meantime, pass me some boxes. Looks like I'm packing for the eleventeenth time.

Two weeks to go

until the move to the new apartment. In the meantime, I will be finishing the last worksheet and final project for my government information class, working 8 days in a row before having 1 day off followed by another 5 days working, creating my first curriculum vitae (an extended resume focused on academics), applying for my first librarian position, and cleaning and packing in my spare time (spare time... hahahaha... maybe in August, after moving and getting settled, if I'm lucky).

I will be fitting in a few fun things here and there, though (maybe with a sledge hammer to get them to fit into those tiny crevices of time) - the farmer's market, a going away party for a recent grad, and maybe making some more earrings.

I got my annual letter from Social Security today, giving me my eligibility for benefits. I noticed, in looking over my earnings record, that I have worked since 1974, with only 4 years in which I didn't make any income. One was my junior year in high school. Two were my first two years in college; I had a work-study job for at least one of those years, and I think back then it was counted as financial aid and not income. The other year was the one I spent studying in Britain and was unable to work because of visa laws. So, apparently, in the last 34 years I have worked 30 of them (some of those only part-time, though).

For some reason, I find that really depressing, especially considering almost all of those jobs were just that - jobs. That's a lot of time to spend doing something you'd rather not be doing. I'm hoping this degree will change that, especially since I'm looking at 20 or so years left to work. I really don't want to spend any more years regretting what I'm doing or not enjoying it, or putting in my time. Only two weeks of summer classes left, and then the homestretch into the last semester of school. I'm really hoping that this degree will let me do something I enjoy for the rest of my working life.

Either that, or figure out how to capitalize on all this cuteness...

Flatlands For Now

I don't think it's a surprise to anyone that I've been struggling with finances. Along with this, I've been re-evaluating what I want to do, and what I can afford to do. In my quest to consider all options, I checked into the school media program at the University of Montana. I did this right before the application deadline for spring semester, and not knowing what I wanted for sure, scrambled (with much help, and you know who you are) to get my application materials in for consideration.

I've been pondering my life while I've been waiting to hear from Montana. In the same week, I finally got my official acceptance letter from U of M (classifying me as an out-of-state student, by the way) and was offered a scholarship for 6 hours of summer courses here at IU. Dilemmas, dilemmas... I now had to make some sort of decision about my life by November 7th (the scholarship acceptance deadline). This really led to some major, full scale, life pondering.

This was a difficult decision to make, but I've decided to stick it out here at IU. The program is accredited through ALA, which makes a world of difference in getting jobs. It has a good reputation (also making a difference in getting jobs). After my classes this summer, I will have 9 hours left (approximately 3 classes). I'm applying for scholarships for fall, but my hope is that I can find a job in a library, and finish the last classes through internship, independent study, and/or distance classes which won't require me to actually be at IU.

While coming back to Montana was very appealing, the school media program is not accredited by ALA (or its school library affilate organization), making it harder to find jobs. I would have had to certify to teach in a subject area, which would have meant more time in school. Although I could/would have appealed the residency decision, I think sticking it out here is the best thing for me to do. The whole point of this degree is to get a graduate degree that lends itself to employment (unlike the other 2 - third time's a charm, you know). For those of you who collaborated in my application process (and you know who you are), thank you so much. While I ended up not choosing that path, the process did help me clarify what I want, and did push me to pursue more options here that have paid off.

My plan is still to work in a library and to work with children and/or children's literature. While I vowed not to work in an academic library, I've enjoyed working in the education library, especially when it comes to helping people find kid's books. So, I could probably handle working in an academic library if it was education-related, with a children's book collection. So, for now, you know where to find me, at Lat: 39.14, Lon: -86.62, and the uneventful elevation of 866 feet.