Moving forward

Sat. November 14^th Horoscope: You can make a very practical decision today that has profound consequences, yet others might not see the logic to your choice. It may seem as if you are being impulsive now, but you have been seriously thinking about your situation for a while, unable to tip the scales one way or the other. Don't worry if your uncertainty returns, for this is all part of an ongoing process.

I really hate it when horoscopes match up to life exactly. It seems like an argument for determinism over free choice. And I suppose this one wasn't exact, since I was only considering a decision seriously at that point, and hadn't made it yet.

Most of you have heard my whining/complaining/horror stories about my current job. I'm not getting into specifics, but suffice it to say that the job has been a very bad fit for me. Some of you have pointed out, and I will agree, that my complaints have echoes of past positions. I think the whole thing pretty significantly mirrors many situations in my past. It's a pattern that I've found myself in over and over again. One component of the pattern is that I was raised to accept abuse, and that I have done that with job situations, too.

I have been in job situations where I was taken advantage of in many ways, and I was too afraid to stick up for myself. That is my pattern. And I am not ready to do that anymore. Add to that an atmosphere that is much more disorganized and demoralized than anything I have ever experienced (and I have experienced some pretty petty and dysfunctional environments) and I think you can see where this is going. It's a soul killing experience to work in an environment that is this toxic.

My situation exists because of choices I made from fear and from scarcity. I decided on library science because it seemed like a safe and stable career choice, not because it was my passion. I had begun to realize this toward the end of my degree, but by then, it seemed too late, and I was afraid to admit that I'd made a mistake. Still, I don't regret the time in Indiana. And I don't regret trying this job. Both experiences have really clarified what I've know since I was very young - my passion lies with words, with writing and books. I want to teach classes in children's literature, in literature, in writing. I want to write novels. I want to be in an academic atmosphere. Through my library science degree and my job, I've found that I like teaching, and I have moved past a lot of my nervousness at getting up in front of people. I like teaching at a higher level of competency - to students who already have some knowledge and background. I want to teach at the college level. I want to do research and write scholarly articles. I want a life where I'm happy to wake up in the morning and make a contribution to the world, where I add something good that only I can add, where I use the skills and talents that I have been given.

I'm tired of doing something I can do, but that someone else could do better and with more passion. I'm tired of defaulting to survival mode. I'm tired of listening to the critical, self-hating voices that still live in my head. I'm tired of working for a bully, in an environment where stress is running rampant. I'm tired of living with the uncertainty from day to day of trying to guess what might keep the director happy. This was my life growing up - keeping my stepfather happy, keeping him from blowing up. I think I deserve more. And I know I can contribute more to the world than what I am right now. And I can see that making choices from fear put me right back in a place and situation that are based on fear. My whole life, I have danced around what I wanted, because I was afraid to claim that fulfillment for my own. I have gotten degrees that came close, taken jobs that were on the edge of what I wanted, taken small steps in the right direction, and then turned away because of fear, because the voices of fear and self-hatred were stronger. I have lived my life with the core belief that I am not enough. That's shifted over time, slowly, oh so slowly, so that I am ready to try to believe that I am who and what I am, for better or worse, and that I deserve as much as anyone else.

My decision now is to make choices from love, starting with choosing to do what I love so I can add more love to the world. I have felt closed down, oppressed, squashed, fearful, under siege with my choices in my current job. I'm going to move in a direction that lets me feel the opposite, in hopes that those feelings will lead me down the right path, until I can see clearly where it is that I need to go. Meanwhile, I am applying for teaching positions at community colleges and small colleges. I am writing again, albeit slowly and limpingly. And I am going to talk to the director about the situation, even though I'm not sure where that conversation will take me. At the very least, this time, in a situation that echoes so many others from my past, I will have done SOMETHING, and no matter the outcome, just that step will be enough.