Holes

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

- Portia Nelson

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost… I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend that I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in this same place.

But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Growth

Things are growing, but there's already that little bit of something in the air that signals fall creeping up - maybe it's the fact that it's already dusking and it's only 8:38 pm. The light is falling away, minutes chipped away from those oh so light, long, summer days.
Working at home has been an interesting challenge - trying to keep myself motivated, organized, on task. Apparently my small desk does not work for large projects. The living room floor has become a work surface. Since I'm hoping to finish up this week, I'm leaving things spread out. I'm too much of a neatnik to let this go for too long (yet another way to stay on task and deadline).
Callie checks these things out, sometimes lies in the middle, but mostly not. She knows when she can get attention, and when I will need to work instead of pet her. She keeps me sane, though, keeps me going. Her love and her demands have pulled me through a week I would rate at -3 on a 1-10 scale as far as confidence, acceptance, persistence. I wallowed a bit in self-pity, but I'm back to seeking, working, pondering, and experimenting.

"You will make all kinds of mistakes; but as long as you are generous and true, and also fierce, you cannot hurt the world or even seriously distress her." - Churchill

Processing

"You're already right where you need to be." - S. Hagen

For whatever reason, this quote has been rattling around my brain, and has shown up lately on other blogs I read. It's interesting, because after my job rejection, my reaction has been, "what's wrong with me? - what do I need to change to become right, to become enough...?" Job rejections are funny things. The whole job search process can be depressing, dehumanizing, demoralizing. You put your soul out there, and when you're rejected, you don't really know why. Was someone that much better, or did you do something to screw it up? Did you just not "fit," whatever that really means.

So, I'm back to looking at where I am now, and where I would like to be. I'm processing through the disappointment of rejection. I'm processing through the possibilities open to me right now, right here, in this place. I have loose ends here, projects that are tied to this place. Maybe we're not done with each other yet. Maybe, for now, I am where I need to be.

A long time gone

Almost September. A lot has happened in a few months. Callie's been sick. I thought she wouldn't make it through the second weekend in July. She's still here, though. And so am I.

I've had time lately to ponder my life, my goals, my hopes, my needs. And I've decided, again (hey, it takes me a couple times for things to stick), that my situation is not worth wasting precious time over. I have some work experience. I am applying for library jobs (wish me luck), but if that doesn't happen in two months, I'm leaving here anyway. Hey, it'll be the festive holiday season and many low paying, seasonal jobs will appear. My goal/deadline for leaving is November 10th (unless I get a fabulous job offer that starts sooner). I've been doing this day by day, but the day by day is becoming a slog through quicksand. That's my cue. I know myself well enough to know this is a danger sign for depression and worse. I will not lose my soul for job experience.

I've thought that sticking it out here might give me some sort of illuminating life lessons, since it reminds me of situations in my past. I've finally figured out, though, that the lesson here is Done That. Don't Need To Do It Again. Thank you universe, for letting me finally finally figure that out. It's not necessary to do painful things over and over, hoping for a different outcome that won't happen. Sometimes the lesson is seeing the hole, getting the hell out of it, and going a different direction. Point taken. Climbing out now. I'm not sure where I'm going, but I have options, and am coming up with lots and lots of plans. This magpie is getting ready to fly.
And yes, the lily planted in the trash can did bloom, spectacularly, as I can only hope to do.

Wellness

So, the rotator cuff tear is not a rotator cuff tear. It's a frozen shoulder, and a small cyst on the front of the arm. I got a cortisone shot, which felt weird the first few hours, then hurt that evening and next day, then stopped, and has been pretty amazing every since. It's not a cure, but I can move my arm much more, the pain does not last as long, and I am actually getting decent sleep. For just the sleep alone, it would have been worth it.

Callie is doing well. Both of us are mending well. Mentally, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Even though I've been applying for other jobs, I was still sort of straddling the fence, holding on to this job for security. I've let go, though. I talked with the director and told her that while there were things I liked about the job and Butte, it was not where I needed to be, personally or professionally. It went better than I expected. At least I'm not carrying that secret, and pretending to be something I'm not. And I'm not holding on to something that isn't good for me, either, just in case. And I have a phone interview Friday for a job that seems like a much better fit. So, changes are happening, and I'm hoping I've cleared some space for good things to come and perch.

An Open Letter to the Universe

Dear Universe,

Thank you for presenting me with this lesson again, and for all the similar lessons you've presented me with in the past. Thanks for the wisdom to recognize the patterns, and the hooks to my behavior. It only took 5 weeks this time, instead of 5 years, or 18 years, or whatever large block of time this could have taken from my life.

I've been struggling with what I thought were two things - whether to leave, or whether to stand up for myself. I see now that I need to do both. I refuse to work in an environment where bullying is running rampant. I accept that I need to stand up to this. I also accept that standing up to it will not stop it; the bully is in charge and has no desire/reason to change. I need to take care of myself, and speak the truth. I accept that I deserve to work in a place that better matches my values, beliefs, and working habits.

What this means is that I am actively seeking other employment, and that when I resign, I will not use euphimisms or make up excuses for why I'm leaving. I will write a letter that will go to the director, and also the Library Board, Friends of the Library, Union Representatives, and the county. I will not slink off into the sunset. To protect myself, I will have a job lined up before I resign.

So, dear universe, what I would like from you is a job in a library, one where cooperation, transparency, collegiality, and reasonableness reign supreme. I can see the exit sign now. Please help me find my new entrance.

Yours truly,
XXOOOO