Only 9 working days until freedom....

and I'm still so busy that it really doesn't seem real. I have been waiting for so long to be free, and I have the feeling that the actual last day of work will be anti-climactic. I know that it will be like any other day, and that no one there will do a damn thing to mark the fact that I've been working there for 2 years and now will be done. I know this because they did very little (if anything) when another longer term employee left. That's the way the (non-existent) team spirit goes.

There will be things I miss, like my actual work duties, and all my pretty old books, and dealing with the people at the state library and historical society, and even CONTENTdm. I will not miss being in a work environment which is a staggeringly poor fit. That makes me even MORE determined NOT to do this ever again - not to take a job where the fit is bad. In this case, I did get to discover where in the library universe I want to be, and I did get experience that I will be able to use elsewhere. Still, I wonder if the tradeoff, experience for self-esteem, was totally worth it. I feel like I'm barely holding the shreds of my self-esteem together.

Having a very low pressure job, where people actually appreciate me, and where I'll be able to work in more of a team atmosphere will help me as I knit myself back together. So far, I'm really liking the people at the temp gig, and once the research is done and we are able to start doing more writing, I'll enjoy the job even more. Big bonuses are that the hours are flexible, I can wear what I want, there's an office dog, and I can work from home most of the time. Plus, I just found out that if I want to, I can extend my time with them past mid-August into December-January. It's nice to know, that I have a backup backup plan. (and that someone actually wants me, and would offer me more money to stay - which helps build the self-esteem back toward the plus side of things)

Minuses are that stress is still wreaking havoc. I ended up on antibiotics for yet another sinus infection. My eating is really out of control; I've tried sitting with myself, listening to the fears and pain and total loneliness that I feel, but it's so overwhelming that I bury those feelings in food. Because work triggers all the unsafe, self-hating feelings, I've made my peace with the fact that things will be out of control for another couple weeks. Once that huge stress is gone, I can sit with all the feelings that these past two years have brought up, and painfully process through them all. I just can't do that now, knowing that I still have to go back into that place. It's not safe emotionally, because these feelings tap into bigger and blacker places. I can't open myself up in the way I need while still working in crazyland. So, the future should be very interesting.

Old and New

This week we've had snow, rain, sunshine, hail, wind... not necessarily in that order.
The garden, with a light snow cover that melted off by the end of the day... Snow is definitely getting old. I don't think we've had a week yet where there hasn't been some kind of snow, even if it's just flurries that didn't stick.
But spring is trying to arrive. The climbing vine is budding.
When it's not covered with snow, the garden is growing, a little, maybe (at least it's not dying).
The geraniums are budding.
There's a mix of old and new - plants breaking into bud and old structures crumbling. Old and new. Living and dying. All inextricably knit together into the pattern of the world.

Old walls....
new green....
My neighbor's scaffolding, as they work on repairing the old.
The lemon thyme I planted growing through snow, hail, gropple, and rain, just waiting for the sunshine.
It's all good.

Garden Reclamation Project

So, in my copious spare time (hmmm, work 40 hours, work 10 hours, volunteer 2-5 hours, job search time.... :-), I have taken on the project of reclaiming the area at the side of the house for a lovely little garden and sitting area.

This is the area before anything has been done. The orange in the background is temporary fencing to keep people from plunging over the edge and down into the someday to become parking area below. Fixing this is on the list for later this summer.
This is the same area after all the spare lumber, etc. has been hauled off, the weeds dug out, the bed raked out, the whole area swept. Better, no?
The area near the stairs - an old gate is propped against the stairs to block the view of underneath. Instead of hauling the old toilet off to the dump, it will become a planter.
Garden bed with plants and the addition of decorative rocks (hey, they are everywhere, so you might as well use them!).
You can see the area where the chair is, with the addition of toilet planter and a few other planters. The upper area gets more sun for longer, so pots of geraniums, the garlic chives and a nasturtium have made their homes there.
Stripy sun slats - with more rocks and some transplanted moss (we'll see how that grows)
Toilet planter and other planters (and more rocks)
The old gate - I love the weathered boards, and the rusty hardware
The view across the street, through the fences, with gorgeous blue sky for the first time in so, so long

I'll be posting more pictures as things start to grow (hopefully). I think with the addition of something for a small table, it will be a nice place to relax for me and Callie. I'm thinking a little hibatchi and some folding canvas chairs, and we could entertain small (!) groups of people.

What to do when spring weather won't cooperate with you

First, you can stop using the s&*w word, and start calling it "the weather that cannot be named." Bonus points if you insist that your co-workers follow this rule, and you yell at them when they say the word.

Second, start your garden indoors. The entryway is the perfect place to put your plants.
Third, do your spring cleaning anyway. (I washed every curtain and inside window today. Someday, when the temp is higher than in the 40's, I'll get the outside ones.)

Fourth, get caught up on all your mending, etc. so when it does get nice, you will be finished with all those pesky projects. This is a cardigan I bought second-hand. It had some small stains that wouldn't come out, so I covered them with embellishments. (yay, ribbon!)
This is my second wool sweater dyed with kool-aid. I fixed the placket on the first kool-aid sweater this weekend, too (it remained white when the sweater became orangey-peach, so I replaced it with orange). This one was 1 packet of pink lemonade and 1 packet of black cherry. I like the ombre effect. (and if it stays cool, I will be able to wear it, and the wool pants that I turned into wool shorts!)
This is a sweater I tried to dye with fabric dye. It didn't dye evenly, so I used fabric paint to add designs and some splatters, making the unevenness look more intentional.
Another sweater from the same dye experiment. It was pretty even, but had some spots of darker color, like splatters. I left those and added the flowers on the front where it had a bit of uneven color.
Fifth, you can do what Callie does, and nap away the gloomy days.
I'm hoping that the weather that cannot be named has gotten everything out of its system this weekend. Sunshine and 60's by mid-week is in the forecast. I'm going to believe that the weather people will get it right.

Rejections

The picture is from the Moss Mansion in Billings, April 6th (unfortunately not here!)

You can't win if you don't play, but playing and being rejected kind of sucks. I've been struggling with the job search, and the weather (predicted chances of snow for the next week makes it seem like spring will never arrive). I have to just keep going, and trust that what happens is what is supposed to happen. Or maybe just accept that what happens has happened and is now over. Move on. Keep moving on. And eventually something will develop on the job front. Or the school front. Or some front somewhere.

I don't like uncertainty, but I have gotten a lot of practice with living with uncertainty the past few years. I can still say, whatever happens, that I have learned a lot about myself, and I am stronger. I don't like rejections, either, but I've gotten rather good at dealing with them. And so it goes. Life. Still better than the alternative.

Moving forward

Even though presenting at a conference a week after having the flu was highly stressful beforehand, having 65 people in the session, getting good compliments, being stopped afterward in the hallways for more compliments and questions was a giant self-esteem builder.

Having a talk with someone who knows the situation I'm in was also very reaffirming. I was told that I was in a very tough situation, but that I have handled it well, and professionally.

And it was so, so nice to be around people who were friendly, curious, engaging with life and each other.

These things, plus my volunteering gig, which is full of awesome, professional people, are what are getting me through this week of crazy work melodrama. Only 79 more days as of tomorrow. I will be celebrating the 70s with a weekend in Missoula (now if only it could be in the 70s temperature-wise).

Longing, survival, and life

My week of flu has left me tired and unsettled, in only that way that more lengthy illnesses can. The physical tiredness mirrors my emotional tiredness, and together they break through some of the barriers I've put up while in survival mode. Tiredness + reading a book at the right time for it to connect violently to current emotions = a storm of weeping, followed by a few epiphanies.

1) My current situation of trying to weather a horrible job situation in order to get to a place I want to be reminds me of two other bad situations/times in my life - waiting for high school to be over so I could move on to college, and waiting to get out of my marriage.

2) Waiting for college left me in a deep dark depression, from which I am really amazed that I emerged alive. Trying to get out of my marriage threw me into an emotional eating hole that took a long time to calm down into something like normal.

3) I am back in an emotional eating hole, and teetering in a place that could throw me into a deep dark depression. These are both places I recognize, both places I vowed to myself to avoid, and both places which surprise me by their proximity.

4) Being in a situation that feels like trapped + waiting + longing for the future = bad, bad news for me.

5) I have 89 more days to wait.

6) I have to figure out a way to take a new path, to find new survival methods for this situation.

7) This will move me out of the comfort I've been trying to pull to me, and force me to try something new, which will not be comfortable. All this makes me long for that fragile, storybook place of "normal," in which it would not feel so difficult to interact with life in a "normal" way.

8) All my feelings of loneliness and alone-ness and fragility are pulled up and dragged to the surface by having the walls of survival come crashing down. And I long to be in a place where I have people, friends, family near me, people who can be strong for me when I am too tired to be anything but broken and not enough.

8) The Time Traveler's Wife has the same feeling of longing that so suffuses my own life at the moment. All I have to do is think about the book, and I am overwhelmed by a need to weep. This book will stick in my head and pop in at moments both opportune and inopportune (just like The Lovely Bones).

9) I am glad to have Callie. Her furry love is enough to pull me forward on days when it feels like I am walking through wet cement in steel-toed boots.