All About the Cat

Callie's been on thyroid medication since July 2010. We've been lucky, because she's handled it well and been pretty stable. The dosage can start to creep, though, meaning it takes more medication to keep her stable. And that's where we are, apparently. The same amount of medication is not keeping her thyroid levels where they need to be. She ended up having to spend the night at the vet's, getting some fluids and antibiotics (for a bladder infection). An out-of-whack thyroid can mean a higher chance of having bladder/urinary tract issues.

So, until her thyroid is back to a better level (with a slow increase in dosage), she's not feeling her best. The bladder issue has cleared up, though (yay!). She's just a little more tired, not as hungry, and spending time in warm, cozy places (like in front of the heater or on my lap).

And not having a traditional job has been very nice, as I can work from home and keep an eye on her.

I'm just crossing my fingers that we get her stabilized quickly, and she bounces back without further health issues. And that we both survive the attempt to switch her from dry food to canned, recommended by her vet. It may come down to who is more stubborn....

Patiently waiting

"Inside us all, patiently waiting, sits a tiny little adventurous bird." - Freya Ete

I've been more in the patiently waiting stage, than the adventure stage. Well, maybe the patiently consolidating stage. It's been nice to have this break between more structured job environments. While it may not look like much is happening on the outside, inside I've been pondering and questioning, and pulling many things together. Winter is such a good time for this, for the collecting of thoughts, for checking course directions, for pondering changes. Mostly, though, it feels like I am pulling many things together into wholeness.

Since I've been in Butte, my whole life has been waiting. And because of the waiting, good enough for now. In my quest for more authenticity and wholeness, I've been wanting things outside to reflect my authenticity. So, it was time to go through the closet and dresser, and part ways with things that didn't reflect the interior, to let things that were good enough for now go. So, three garbage bags later, my closet and dresser have things that fit me, things I like, things that are good, and reflect me.

So, I'm balancing waiting/indecision with living here and now. And it just gets easier and easier to live here and now, which makes life very good (even if it lacks adventure).

New

A new year, although my own new year really starts with the winter solstice. That's one of the turning points of the year for me, the time when I ponder the past year and think about what I want. My birthday is another turning point, and then, because I have never given up on the academic life, even if I'm not living it, Aug/Sept. with fresh starts and back to school new chances. So, the calendar new year.... it's a date on the calendar.

That said, there are a few new things around. This is the bulletin board that lives next to my desk. I change it out randomly, but it stays the same for months at a time. It's a kind of inspiration board. The things I pulled off it were all about persistence and finding what you love. After my thoughts at solstice, I realized that for this year, I did not want to wait, that I wanted to live my life and stop waiting for perfection, or change, or whatever to do the many things I want to do. I like choosing an intention for the year, and a word to remind me of this. I thought about live as the word, but I wanted more. I have been living, and waiting to live more fully. I want to live big, to live authentically, to really push some things this year. So the word I went with is Fly. That's what I want for this year, to fly.

I found an awesome quote from Toni Morrison's Song of Solomon - "You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down." So, stepping away from the shit that weighs me down, and seeing how far and fast and high I can fly.
We've had a couple rounds of snow lately, not much accumulation, but a beautiful snowfall. It remind me of a poem I've been thinking of a lot lately.

Manna by Joseph Stroud

Everywhere, everywhere, snow sifting down,

a world becoming white, no more sounds,

no longer possible to find the heart of the day,

the sun is gone, the sky is nowhere, and of all

I wanted in life - so be it - whatever it is

that brought me here, chance, fortune, whatever

blessing each flake of snow is the hint of, I am

grateful, I bear witness, I hold out my arms,

palms up, I know it is impossible to hold

for long what we love of the world, but look
at me, is it foolish, shameful, arrogant to say this,

see how the snow drifts down, look how happy

I am.
And I am, happy. I'm learning to be happy without things being settled into a pattern of predictability. I don't have to wait for a full-time job, and some sort of established career, or for all the things for which we have expectations - the things that we think society judges us on. And maybe some parts of society do judge on things - houses, cars, jobs, careers, possessions, money, prestige, being predictable.... All I have, really, is myself, so I am finally, finally, learning to trust my own heart, my soul, and to do what I need to do to live my own life, with the things my soul needs for flight. We'll see what happens now.

On an odd, and kind of related note, I was vacuuming yesterday with the little stick vacuum thing I have - an electric broom type of thing. It doesn't even touch the cat hair. I have stuck with it because I have a vacuum in Indiana with all my other things, and haven't wanted to buy another one. So, yesterday I thought to myself, it's time to just get a vacuum. I need one now, so I will have to suck it up and get one, and just have two.

Looking out the back window to see what the weather was like this morning, I noticed that the dumpster for the apartments behind me had a plethora of things in it - someone appears to be moving and dumping many things. And on the top of the heap, on top of what looked like a wooden table, was a vacuum. It's filthy and will need to be cleaned up, and have some maintenance type work done. It does work, though. I think with new bags, belt, filters, etc, it will be perfect.

And the table will make an excellent work surface in the kitchen. It also needs serious clean up (I wiped off the worst before bringing it in). And I will probably paint it for now, since it's been painted already (just the top and legs, though). Maybe this summer I will strip it down and refinish it. It's some kind of hardwood, and super sturdy/heavy.
So, happy new year to me! A little more work (I had to drag both of these up the hill to my house), and they should be useful additions to the household. Thanks (universe? person moving? who/whatever?).

Making

Now that Christmas is over, I can post pictures of the things I made for gifts. I did some collage pictures, some bleach design t-shirts, and some bracelets and necklaces.

This is the rooster for my sister, Cyndi.

Copper wire family on wood for my brother, Ron

button tree for my sister, Sheri

book flower and twigs for my sister, Karen

mountain collage for my brother, Chris

button tree for my sister, Kathy

bleach design t-shirts - the star for my nephew, Jim (the lion was my test shirt, which has found a good home)

star with barbed wire for my nephew, Josh and eagle for my nephew, Dawson

ninja star for my nephew Tyler and pirate skull for my nephew Bradley

chef pirate shirt for Keven and waffle shirt for Craig

cat pirate shirt for Becky

bracelets for my nieces, Kira and Morgan

bracelets for my nieces, Harley, Katie, and Gina

twine and bead bracelets for Katie, Harley and Gina (separated so you can see them better)

leather wrapped bracelets for Katie, Harley, Gina (separated so you can see them better)

stuff for my mom - necklace, button bracelet and stretchy bracelet

necklace for Denise - close up of key pendant

overall view of necklace for Denise (with bonus apple in the background)

I'm finishing up some fingerless gloves for a couple other people who I'll hopefully see for New Year's. Otherwise, they'll be getting a New Year's package....

Holes

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

- Portia Nelson

Chapter 1

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost… I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter 2

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend that I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in this same place.

But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter 3

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in … it’s a habit … but, my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter 4

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter 5

I walk down another street.

Things I'm listening to today

Solstice 2011

I don't think I celebrated solstice last year. I ended up kind of lost there for awhile, down a hole I didn't realize I'd fallen into until after I'd left my job. So, note to self, don't stick out a job that is a truly horrible fit for some sort of reward that I will magically receive in the future. I put my present life on hold (yet again) for some kind of future event that could or could not (in this case, not) happen. For solstice, I think about my intentions for the new year, and about what I would like to rid myself of from the old one. This year, my intention is to live now, right here, in the present, without putting my life on hold for these things that will hopefully happen in the future. I have wanted to cut my hair short for several years, but have waited to lose weight, because fat people don't look good in short hair. Last weekend I had my hair cut short. I will not wait on these things that I want, for some sort of golden shining future moment when all things are perfect and I can have them. No, I want to have the things I want now. I want to have a life now. I'm tired of waiting and waiting. It's just a way to keep myself from having joy, from having peace, from being content. So what I want to rid myself of is that waiting; that's what I wrote on a scrap of paper and burned. Changes will happen this year, and it will be interesting to see how this works, where things go....
On solstice, I don't turn on any lights as it gets dark. I think about my intentions for the year, the things I tried to accomplish in the previous year, take a kind of inventory. Then, when it's dark, I light candles.
And I turn on the Christmas lights, and those are the only lights in the house for awhile. I think about the darkness, how it is just the other side of light. Without darkness, light would not have its power. Without pain, joy would not have its power. Without evil, good would not have its power.
Then I burn what I would like to rid myself of, in this case, the words "waiting for my real life to begin." And I thought about my intention, to live - now, here, with myself as I am. And I sent both out into the night, with the lights of candles and twinkling lights. Both sides - dark and light.