Sharp Points

It's been an interesting week. For those that believe that life keeps giving you the same lessons until you learn them, well.... apparently, I have not yet learned something to life's satisfaction.

I knew that this job would push me toward becoming more visible, would push me toward interacting with people in ways in which I'm less comfortable - public speaking, cold calling, etc. I hoped that the real structure of the place would be more lateral than hierarchical, since the image presented doesn't always match reality. I hoped for the best, but knew that I was taking this job because of the location, and because it was the first job I was offered. The rest, I hoped would work out. And maybe it has.

I find myself in a situation filled with drama. On the whole, things are dealt with in a reactionary manor. Ahhhhh COVERED IN BEES!! We react to it, we react to the next situation. There's not a sense of structure, of any kind of plan. We just react to things as they occur. Or in other words, the drama llama pretty much lives at the library, and I think he's brought his family with him.

Starting with leadership, there's not a clear vision. Decisions seem to be made in a knee-jerk manner, depending on mood, on the tides, on something not immediately apparent. There doesn't seem to be a consistent philosophy behind anything. Or not one I can find. The petty bickering and extreme office politics exhaust me, and the level of unprofessionalism astounds me.

The question I've been struggling with is - what am I supposed to learn from this situation?

Is it that this is crazy-making of epic proportions and I should recognize it for what it is and get out now? In the past I've stuck with these situations, trying to change them, trying to work with them, trying to somehow make the outcome different. Is my lesson simply that I recognize this and move toward the nearest exit?

Is it that I'm supposed to somehow stand up to the craziness, stand up for myself and let the chips fall where they may? I have regreted not doing this in the past. In this case, there's a pretty good chance that the outcome would mean losing the job. Others who've tried to push back in any way have found themselves as outcasts, but are protected by a union. As a non-union person still in a probationary period, I stand a good chance of becoming the scapegoat and being fired for all those who cannot be. Plus, the added bonus is that the current drama could be blamed, in part, on me, therefore saving face for the upper echelon. Is my lesson that standing up for myself is more important than a job?

So when is enough enough? How do you know when you should push back or get the hell out?

I don't know. All I know is that some days are like dragging myself over broken glass. And since the end result for both of these could be unemployment, should I be looking at it in a more strategic manner? Should I be looking at this as how to come out of this still employable?

And the big part of this is that because of my own decisions, I am not in a financial situation that gives me many options. Still, options exist. I'll know soon whether I have a second job as a contractor, something I can do at home with internet access. That will open up more choices.

In the meantime, I'm struggling with the questions, and trying to lean into the sharp points. Rereading Pema Chodron and Mary Oliver help. Anyone with any other words of wisdom, books to read, advice of any kind - feel free to share.