Rejections

The picture is from the Moss Mansion in Billings, April 6th (unfortunately not here!)

You can't win if you don't play, but playing and being rejected kind of sucks. I've been struggling with the job search, and the weather (predicted chances of snow for the next week makes it seem like spring will never arrive). I have to just keep going, and trust that what happens is what is supposed to happen. Or maybe just accept that what happens has happened and is now over. Move on. Keep moving on. And eventually something will develop on the job front. Or the school front. Or some front somewhere.

I don't like uncertainty, but I have gotten a lot of practice with living with uncertainty the past few years. I can still say, whatever happens, that I have learned a lot about myself, and I am stronger. I don't like rejections, either, but I've gotten rather good at dealing with them. And so it goes. Life. Still better than the alternative.

Moving forward

Even though presenting at a conference a week after having the flu was highly stressful beforehand, having 65 people in the session, getting good compliments, being stopped afterward in the hallways for more compliments and questions was a giant self-esteem builder.

Having a talk with someone who knows the situation I'm in was also very reaffirming. I was told that I was in a very tough situation, but that I have handled it well, and professionally.

And it was so, so nice to be around people who were friendly, curious, engaging with life and each other.

These things, plus my volunteering gig, which is full of awesome, professional people, are what are getting me through this week of crazy work melodrama. Only 79 more days as of tomorrow. I will be celebrating the 70s with a weekend in Missoula (now if only it could be in the 70s temperature-wise).

Longing, survival, and life

My week of flu has left me tired and unsettled, in only that way that more lengthy illnesses can. The physical tiredness mirrors my emotional tiredness, and together they break through some of the barriers I've put up while in survival mode. Tiredness + reading a book at the right time for it to connect violently to current emotions = a storm of weeping, followed by a few epiphanies.

1) My current situation of trying to weather a horrible job situation in order to get to a place I want to be reminds me of two other bad situations/times in my life - waiting for high school to be over so I could move on to college, and waiting to get out of my marriage.

2) Waiting for college left me in a deep dark depression, from which I am really amazed that I emerged alive. Trying to get out of my marriage threw me into an emotional eating hole that took a long time to calm down into something like normal.

3) I am back in an emotional eating hole, and teetering in a place that could throw me into a deep dark depression. These are both places I recognize, both places I vowed to myself to avoid, and both places which surprise me by their proximity.

4) Being in a situation that feels like trapped + waiting + longing for the future = bad, bad news for me.

5) I have 89 more days to wait.

6) I have to figure out a way to take a new path, to find new survival methods for this situation.

7) This will move me out of the comfort I've been trying to pull to me, and force me to try something new, which will not be comfortable. All this makes me long for that fragile, storybook place of "normal," in which it would not feel so difficult to interact with life in a "normal" way.

8) All my feelings of loneliness and alone-ness and fragility are pulled up and dragged to the surface by having the walls of survival come crashing down. And I long to be in a place where I have people, friends, family near me, people who can be strong for me when I am too tired to be anything but broken and not enough.

8) The Time Traveler's Wife has the same feeling of longing that so suffuses my own life at the moment. All I have to do is think about the book, and I am overwhelmed by a need to weep. This book will stick in my head and pop in at moments both opportune and inopportune (just like The Lovely Bones).

9) I am glad to have Callie. Her furry love is enough to pull me forward on days when it feels like I am walking through wet cement in steel-toed boots.

March 27

Snowy Sunday, a week after the first day of spring... a good day to stay home, clean the house, do laundry, read a book, bake, and work on job applications.
Of course, the snow sticks to my side of the street more than the other, which means I get to shovel snow more. If the glass is half full, then shoveling is good exercise, and I get more of it.
Or I can stay inside and look out, watching the snow flurry around, and hope it melts soon so I don't have to shovel.
And while I'm inside, I can fill the house with the smell of baking pumpkin bread (and small honey wheat breads).
And Callie can sleep through it all, snoozing cozy in the chair, waiting for me to join her.

I think I've been here before...

So, gave my verbal notice Monday that June 30th will be my last day. I have known this in my head for some time, but wanted it to be made real. I also wanted to shut the door firmly on the possibility of staying. I'd found myself thinking, well, if nothing else comes up, I could always stay a little longer. No, staying longer is not an option. I fit into this work environment like someone slamming an octagonal peg into a circular space with a sledge hammer. Not well at all. The fit is not there, and it's wearing on me.

I'm happy to have everything out in the open, and am working on my future plans. I can't really share them here yet, but hopefully will be able to do that soon. Meanwhile, I am trying to get things organized at work so I can finish all the things I need to in the next 3 1/2 months. I'm getting ready to present at a conference in April. Life will be interesting. I'm curious to see what new adventures it will bring.

Inspirations

My new mantra at work:

Take what you can use and let the rest go by.

--Ken Kesey

Quotes that have been inspiring me lately:

If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is a compromise.

--Robert Fritz

The essential conditions of everything you do must be choice, love, passion.

--Nadia Boulanger

Do not be too timid and squeamish about your actions. All life is an experiment.

--Ralph Waldo Emerson

Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation) there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too.

--W.H. Murray

You will make all kinds of mistakes; but as long as you are generous and true, and also fierce, you cannot hurt the world or even seriously distress her.

--Winston Churchill

Where?

So, since I feel like I've got a pretty good idea of what I want to focus on career-wise, I decided I would try to figure out WHERE I want to be. I'll be moving this summer, but to where?

Instead of resolutions, I decided to create a list of requirements for the place I'll be living. I broke them down into geography and work environment.

Geography

• Mid-sized city (60,000 - 500,000-ish), or a large city that has distinct neighborhood areas
• Moving water (river, creek, whatever - if it's wet and moving, that's good)
• Cultural opportunities - access to museums (natural history, historical, art, etc), zoos, arboretums
• Nature access - green space, hiking/walking trails, nearby nature areas (state or national parks, national forest land, etc)
• Public transportation - bus system, light rail?, car sharing?, bike trails?
• Airport - if not in town, then nearby
• University - large enough for research opportunities

Bonus: in a valley with hills or mountains around; within 12-16 hours of Omaha; variety of housing (affordable); space for a garden

Work Environment

• Less hierarchical structure - more flattened, team-based, collaborative
• Work expectations established (things not run on favoritism, nepotism, or any other ism; things not changing constantly)
• Stable (or relatively stable) budget, with money dedicated for professional development
• Transparency (especially with the budget)
• Co-workers who meet standards for competence
• Co-workers with skills/experience/knowledge they are willing to share (mentors)
• Professionalism, organization, flexibility, respect

Bonus: co-workers I like and respect; stable, upbeat environment; people who are curious and continue to learn; learning and professional development are valued (especially in terms of time and money)