The only real thing for me has been my grief. I haven't been good at grief; I typically run from it. But she deserves a full measure of grief. Not a rationing out in bits and pieces. Or worse, stuffing it back inside and pretending to be fine. Like her death didn't break me apart and unravel my life.
So I grieve. Allowing myself to feel all my grief for her opened the way for all the rest of the grief I've stuffed away. A huge subterranean lake of grief. And this time, I am not pushing it back, burying it, damming it, ignoring it. I thought if I ever opened the way to my grief, it would come crashing down on me like a tsunami, but it's just bubbling up, a steady bubbling, like the source of a spring. I just hold it all in my open hands, and let it be what it is, and then let it go. I can't hold it. I can't change it. It is what it is. And so I just sit, in stillness, breathing, grieving, breathing, listening, breathing, seeing, breathing, being.
And do not call it fixity,
Where past and future are gathered. Neither movement from nor towards,
Neither ascent nor decline. Except for the point, the still point,
There would be no dance, and there is only the dance.
~T.S. Eliot, Four Quartets
